one more day

just one more class tomorrow and it's Christmas break for me. i hope we'd be dismissed early so i'd have more time to finish all the errands before 4 pm! i want to rest before Santayo's Christmas picnic-dinner :) time flies so fast, i feel like i had just celebrated my 18th birthday weeks ago. but no, because in a few weeks time i am already turning 19! but before that, Christmas break...i can't wait to be back home! i'll be seeing B on sunday hopefully...haven't heard from him for about two weeks na! i hope i'll still be able to make the most out of the break despite the harsh reality of having to bring with me a novel for philo, a first pass for pom, com dream project, and the ever-present CJ. well at least i get to borrow mama's laptop when i get there, and so i'll have the chance to blog! yay! :)

today was SST day, and as usual, i was being such a bitch. i was telling queena a few days ago that i couldn't believe how bitchy i could become. she said that maybe it was because i was so fed up already. but now that i'm aware of it, i need to do something right? i just can't keep on ranting forever. (hmmm...a possible topic for my yb entry?) my patience has really become so much shorter as i prolong my stay. thank God i've got my twin around :) at least i'm motivated to attend my shifts! hehe, BMO na talaga. oh well. maybe things won't be so bad now that SST is over. tasks left for me are the tallying, junior project in feb, and the turnover ceremonies. I hope the temper meter would remain on the bottom end, i really need all the patience i can get for the remaining three months. but again, trisha's right. there's so much to be grateful for. complaining won't get me anywhere unless i do something about it. being and seeming. hmmmm.

i promised myself i'd sleep early tonight, to make up for the 5 am stint i pulled off earlier this morning. but obviously, for the nth time, i'm caught in my safe release. but that's okay, at least somehow i'm doing my duty by feeding the frustration. i can't wait for tomorrow. later, that is.

Thank You Jess. :)

BMO!

with trisha in our beloved ds room ;p BMO queens! :)

(was sick when this picture was taken, isn't it obvious?)

watch out for it next month! ;p

my cs 175 magazine cover project :)

prints from the fun photo sesh at picture company :)

project! :)

neverending laugh trip! :D

san ka pa? :)

pwede na ba? :)

grrr...doesn't look like i'm doing a mime, does it? ;p

i had fun fooling around! 'nuff said. :)

school mode still OFF

wow. it seems like the school holidays just keep on coming. i don't have classes tomorrow and on wednesday; all my teachers decided not to meet tomorrow (they disagree on using the term "free cut"), and wednesday's an official school holiday since it's the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. and there's just a week to go before Christmas break. second sem just passes by like a breeze, an overwhelming yet scary reality at the same time. overwhelming because in three months, junior year will be as good as history, and what's next in line? SENIOR YEAR. (but that's another story.) scary because with time flying so fast, before i know it the sem will be over, and i wasn't able to fulfill my age-old promise of "doing better in the next exam." i hope it doesn't happen this sem. but right now, i'm stalling when i know very well i should get started with finance. again, before i know it, thursday's here, with me not being ready for the first long exam. God help me.

agenda for tomorrow:
1.) have the cartolina signed
2.) lunch with Trisha - we have to plan for wednesday!
3.) pom consultation at 3
4.) watch "Riles" for philo at 430
5.) study for finance!

can't wait for Christmas break, i miss home terribly. B definitely included.

one of the many roller coasters

so much has happened in the past week, my CJ now being the release for such momentous events. as i was writing in the CJ last night, my hesitant feeling of pouring out everything was reaffirmed. i still can't write absolutely everything that's on my mind, knowing that someone will be reading my entries. so much for that stream-of-consciousness rule. be it blog or CJ, the sentiment is the same. and what makes me sad is that i don't get to write those private thoughts in my real journal anymore, because i'm always pressed for time. how can 24 hours fall short for all that i have to do? i know, it's more of being able to master time management, rather than blame my regrets on the unchangeable. i don't know if its pms, but everything around me just makes me feel like i'm in a rollercoaster ride every single day. from gratitude to annoyance, happiness to confusion, the changes are all too abrupt. and the Christmasy feel from the cd kynan made to the decorations plastered all over the house, the malls (everywhere i go!), makes me feel nostalgic nonetheless. but then again, i am always reminded by that short quote "If you want to be happy, be." similar to the philo discussion earlier on today, it's all about free will, self-possession, kakayahan ng tao makialam sa meron, dominus sui.

my responsibilities have been bringing me down lately, the confusion heightening by the minute. i'll just get past the Christmas project, and from there i'll set things straight. i get to decide, don't i? i owe a lot to Trisha, my BMO partner, coz without her, jeez, i just don't know how i'd survive all the pressure! thanks trisha :D i also owe a whole lot to my friends...thank GOD they're there - making my sky bright, shielding the heavy clouds from bursting, from pouring out what it has held in for so long. i know i will have to eventually, but with the great number of tasks i have to fulfill, doing so will just complicate everything all the more. i guess i'll have to endure this ordeal for the mean time. i can't believe something i used to love so much has become a burden to me now, i am even able to call it an ordeal. this situation has somehow become bearable because of the five people (fab 5! ;p) who just know how to make things better, consciously and unconsciously :) thanks guys :D to Ciara, Kynan, Queena, Shiela, and Yda...as i've said before, i would be literally and figuratively lost without you! love ya all! :D mwah! :)

CJ

i'm now at the foyer, waiting for yet's text since we're meeting up at around 3:30...i haven't posted my daily chronicles here anymore, coz i write them down in the CJ and i find it redundant to talk about the exact same events here in my blog, even though no one would be reading the CJ but me. i guess this entire exercise entails a lot of getting used to. now i know what ara meant when she asked me about the whole blog vs CJ thing yesterday. surprisingly, i'm having fun with the CJ, although blocking off the censor is such a struggle right now. but i do believe the "stream of consciousness" rule sir imposed is very helpful, as we are backed up by the idea of writing down what we really think and not have to worry so much about coherence since it's supposed to be free-flowing. it may take a while before i am able to write purely free-flowing thoughts, but i really think it's a great opportunity for me to hone my passion,(or more of frustration?) as a writer, and for me to possibly regain the touch (the so-called "inner artist" ;p) in me.

longer post next time, gotta start walking. thank God the GA yesterday was a success! :) i love memcom! :D

blech

was going through my past entries, and the parts about K just made me go eeeeeewwwww...i can't believe i wrote such long, dramatic entries about him! eeeeewwww!!!! now i know how ara felt when she read her past posts..i just can't believe that was me writing all those things that mean nothing to me now. all the more am i convinced that it was just plain admiration that blew way out of proportion. my dangerous tendencies to get carried away were again at work. pebbles and tin really know me, since they asked me a million times if i was sure i liked him when i told them about him ages ago. and i refused to even think about what the question really meant. haha ;p for the nth time....eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!

spontaneous, sad sunday

today turned out to be a very spontaneous sunday. my original plan was just to laze around and officially start my second sem by reading the assigned article for philo and chapter one for pom, but i haven't reached half for either, and there are only a few minutes left before the day's end. t.jen texted earlier than usual and asked what i was doing today. she was arriving at 1 pm from negros and she wanted to watch first daughter. we planned to catch the 4:25 show, so i thought i had a lot of time to read. i then texted the computer technician and asked if he could come tomorrow and fix my pc, he said he could fix it up today. he arrived a bit after lunch and reformatted the whole system. now it's like i have a brand new computer, since everything was just wiped out. he was able to keep my files and my pictures though, as he transferred it in the hard disk of the spare computer. so everything was okay after two hours, but as i was putting back the hard disk i borrowed for backup in p.butch's pc, it wouldn't work! the screen displayed "primary master hard disk fail"...i panicked like crazy! i texted edwin (the technician) again, he said he'd come back after another pc job. i didn't want to hurry the movie and dinner out with t.jen, and knowing she hates being hurried on weekends, i just texted her and said i won't be able to go out anymore. so i waited and waited, tried reading but ended up customizing my pc instead, restoring the settings i had earlier...at around 6, i asked florence to buy dinner for me at mcdo. i asked her to buy a cheeseburger meal, but when she came back, she brought with her a quarter pounder. when i checked the receipt, it said cheeseburger meal, ha! i got a quarter pounder for 55 bucks! ain't that great? ;p i know i should have returned it, but the O.C. was starting already so... (yeah, i know, there's no justification for it..) speaking of the O.C., tonight's episode made me cry! kynan was right, it was very emotional. it was quite a common situation, but i think i was just swept away with how they portrayed the whole thing. i think it was too intense for me that i couldn't get myself to eat the burger! i mean it took me the entire hour to finish the meal (and to think i'm a rather fast eater.) kudos to the show...it really was an exceptional episode.
a few minutes after the show, edwin arrived and was able to get the hard disk working in five minutes! i then called up t.jen to tell her the pc's finally okay and that i was free (what readings? ;p) so she picked me up after ten minutes, and we went drive thru as usual. she told me she had happy and sad news for me, i told her to start with the sad news. and tada...she's moving to cebu. in january. i think i was speechless for about a minute or two, i didn't know what to say. my weekend buddy's moving away...after two years of de-stressing, pigging out, having a blast almost every weekend...when i just found a big sis, a confidante who just brings so much wisdom and sense to me...now she's leaving, and in two freaking months. i didn't want to ruin the night since she seemed so eager to share a lot more on what happened during the break so i asked her to continue...i was listening but still, the fact that she was leaving very soon was bugging me the whole time. and it still is. why now? why not wait till i graduate? i guess i can't be selfish, i know she's been wanting this for a very long time already, and i'm really happy for her since she'd get to see her family every weekend, but still...i feel like a really big part of me will be gone. we continued talking, in our usual late night routine - just talking in the car parked outside the gate, ice cream sundaes in hand, windows down...i'll be missing those terribly. before i went in i told her we'd have busy weekends starting next weekend, i made her promise that we'd do all things we've been wanting to do but kept on postponing...go on endless (just enough to fill the weekends that are left) food trips, explore all those other restaurants we kept on skipping coz we'd always crave for mcdo, the shopping trips to divisoria, tutuban, tagaytay getaways in one day...i hope we'd get to do all that before she leaves. darn. i sure am gonna miss the best weekend buddy i ever had.

43 days to go

it's a rainy friday night, and i'm stuck at home due to terrible cramps caused by my monthly visitor. i came home earlier than expected, wasn't able to attend the core meeting anymore because i felt i would already pass out any minute. some of the core might be thinking there's already something behind my somewhat perennial absence, but what the heck, i really couldn't take the excruciating pain anymore. i'm really crossing my fingers that i would be allowed to go to the evsem in march, coz i sure did miss a lot on the last one.
so when i got home today, i rested for a while (as medicine would have no effect anymore), then started on with the reinstallation of xp for my pc, hoping to cure the disease some virus inflicted on it, and actually make the internet connection work, but still, after two whole installations, i've arrived at nothing. i'm posting through p. butch's pc right now. it's been a long time since my last entry, and ara's been telling me to post since last week, i think she wants to hear more about B..hahaha ;p
i also checked out the website of loyola marymount university earlier, and i might be considering the MBA program...p. ben's constant mention of it seems to have sank in already...he always reminds me to study hard so i could get a scholarship for my masters..as of now i'm thinking i get some work experience first after college, maybe about three to four years, then pursue that MBA...that's what i'm thinking now, but i don't know how things will be in three years...but hey, it never hurts to plan :) ...or better yet..dream? :D (on a side note, i've been having very amusing dreams lately ;p now i believe that dreams are very much related to what you're currently thinking about, what's always on your mind...go figure ;p)

so yes, there is a little update on B..we texted earlier today, and he is just the sweetest :) he was ranting about his sked since he had classes at night, but when i told him mine, i think he did feel better. for those who still don't know, my very perfect sked which i have been raving about for the past week is not so perfect anymore, because of a class that was open to us during enlistment but now turns out to be exclusively for seniors. bummer. now all juniors in that class will have to move to either a 130 MWF class or a 9-12 SATURDAY class. i have philo on exactly the same time slot as that of the MWF class so what else am I left with? SATURDAY classes. great. so much for a perfect schedule. oh well. my only consolation now is that i'll be with yda and kynan..so i'm sure things will turn out to be fun :) anyway..back to B..so we talked more..it was a very light, carefree conversation..with a lot of jokes about him being here or me being there instead..then he asked if anyone was visiting me here at home and told him about how p. butch always teases me about it and asks yaya nats often too if there is anyone who actually visits..of course i said no, then he said "tell him he's not there yet coz he's still in cdo, saving up for his visit to manila..." :) that statement somewhat brought me clarity, giving me all the reason to feel giddy all over once again. for a while there i didn't have any dysmennorhea at all! haha ;p can't wait for december! :) i've started counting! ;p

reason for my uber fun vacation

fooling around with my sibs during the last break :D it's been only a day since i left and i miss them already :(

that giddy feeling

this will be a short post, i'm just checking my mail in an internet cafe while waiting for my dad to pick me up in time for mass later at 5:30. i told myself i'd post when i get back to Manila on the 28th, but obviously i couldn't help myself. my vacation has been a blast so far, having all the time in the world to catch up on the numerous hours of lost sleep, filling myself with a constant supply of yummy (not to mention FREE) food, and spending lots of time with my fam :) i did go out with my friends already, gabbed about the usual updates over grandes at bo's (how i wish everything were as cheap in Manila!)..tin's heartbreak, sta's "forbidden" love, ray admitting to something we all suspected way before..i wish we could all go out again and talk some more, but on the other hand i really feel so lazy to leave the confines of my oh-so-relaxing home..i was also able to talk to pebbles, finally, about K, and dear God what has gone wrong? tin's reactions also made me see things in a very different perspective, although i wouldn't really say i based my decisions mainly on all the hatred she has been stressing. i'm glad sta shed some light on me, making me realize that i was never really into K romantically, that it was more of admiration, nothing more. there i was, allowing myself to become carried away once again. darn. and look where it has brought me. yet asked me the other night what i would do, i said i really don't know, i don't wanna think about it. he hasn't got it confirmed anyway, i doubt pebbles would tell. i trust her with my entire life, and besides, if ever he'd know, it's all in the past. thank God for early realizations. :)

here's the fun part, the giddy feeling this post is named after. B's back, although i'm not really sure if he ever left my system. he's the only guy i've had the longest crush on, way back since grade 5. and now that we're both in third year college, so much has changed, and i never imagined him to be more than that "guy i had a crush on since 5th grade." sure, i did my research, stalking him every now and then, always knowing the latest about him, but everybody knew it was all just a crushie thing. i'm not jumping into conclusions or anything, but things have been taking a rather different course ever since i got home about a week ago. our rents are like the Flintstones and the Rubbles, best of the best friends. his sister got admitted to the hospital the night i arrived so all six of us, in full force, came to visit. he was there but we rarely talked, just the normal hi's and how are you's. it was more of his older sister and me talking, and the really awkward moment was when she asked B if we were friends. B said yes and she said "then why aren't you guys talking?!" thank you dear sister for making the most awkward moment of my life. (okay, that was an exaggeration.) so we talked a bit, and he just had to mention M (everybody here just has to mention him to me at one point or another, it's getting really irritating). we then left after a few minutes, and three hours later he texted "Auau (take care) pops! Tenx sa visit..God bles ha!:)"
so i replied no problem, take care as well, especially to his sis, and he then replied that he thought i was going out that night coz he was..it took me a while to figure out how he knew i wasn't going out, then i remembered i told his sister i was allowed to go out only starting on friday..so we both said bye and good night. the next morning, i awoke to the beep of my phone..a quote from him. i was thinking that maybe he was still thankful for us visiting so i sent a quote back. from that day on, he would send quotes everyday, either early in the day to greet me good morning, or late at night just before i sleep. and these were not those friendly type of quotes but those double-meaning types (yda should know this! haha) you'd be thinking about over and over, bothered by the feeling of not knowing what it really means. is it just his way of texting, that he normally sent those kinds of messages or did he really mean something else? i let it go momentarily, just sending back safe, friendly quotes. last night, we finally had a conversation through text, talking about the movie he was watching, the gimmick i missed last saturday, and our woes on singleville. it was cut short coz i had to go, mom already starting to nag me. i said bye, and he said thanks for texting even if it was just a really short conversation (short?! it was an hour long..hmmm..). he texted an hour later and said "pops! mag send2x kog quotes sa imo ha? k raman kaha..ganahan lng ko mg send quotes sa imo sumtyms. (il be sendng u quotes frm tym 2 tym ha? is it ok? coz m gettng fond of sendng them 2 u..) gudnyt pops! God bles!"
in another message, in response to my having to go, he said "cge pops, auau ha..txt lng if wala ka lingaw kay hapi man pud ko pg mg txt ka.. (just text me if you have nothing to do coz i do get happy when you text) God bles!" twas more than enough to bring me the sweetest of dreams. :)

(and i said this will be a short post. ;p)

extra-extroverts

spent the entire day with ara to study; me supposedly reading the chapters required for cs and she contemplating on how to go about her philo synthesis tomorrow. we both agreed to study somewhere other than each other's homes since we very well knew we would just fall asleep, or even worse, go online and blog-blog. my philo orals earlier today was really disappointing. i don't know what happened to me. i lost all focus, had no flow, no coherence at all. i myself was confused with what i was blabbing about. and what made me feel even worse was at the end of the dreadful fifteen minutes, sir asked "ano nangyari sa 'yo?" great. just what i needed to prove that i failed the freakin' oral exams. who ever said oral exams would be effective anyway? it never worked for me. i know i should just let this go since i can't do anything about it anymore but i can't seem to forget about it just yet. as tita des said, "it's just an oral exam..philo was something i never understood.." it makes me feel better to know that almost everybody else can't fully comprehend what philo is all about, but still, it just sucks that i wasn't able to get my act together. oh well, what's done is done.

on to the lighter side, i saw K today in the most unexpected place and in the most outrageous outfit ever. and i saw M as well, and i was more than surprised when he called me by my name :) usually he just waves when we see each other in school, so i assumed that he just couldn't associate the name with the face. but apparently i was wrong, since he very well remembered, along with the killer smile :D we chatted for a while, about this sem, next sem, electives, etc...and for the nth time he asked when we would be visiting him, and he said hopefully soon so we could have coffee or something :) isn't he the cutest?!?!? if only he weren't..i'm not sure about that but it's what people say, as much as i'd want to deny it. oh well, here i am again, ms. delusive. but hey, it made my day :)

ara and i were unconsciously (let's just put it at that) stalling in the five hours that we were in starbucks, talking about N and ine, the matrix (which i only understood now), outrageous what-ifs induced by philo, high school-college changes...i mentioned how i was somewhat bothered with the extrovert-introvert shift in me, how back in high school i was ms. outgoing but now i seem to have become ms. homebody, ms. i-really-value-my-time-alone. i see the change as bad since i don't really get to relate with other people that much anymore, and this newfound behavior of always wanting time for myself has managed to take over. ara brought up a point i had never considered before, that maybe i should also consider the difference between the people i was with before and those i am with now - that maybe those that surround me now are just more assertive and more outgoing than i am, and that before, i was around people who were less outgoing than i was, who needed people like me to draw the relational, people-person factor in them. all along i was only looking at things based on my own perspective, solely from my point of view. makes me realize how narrow-minded i was, how limited i allowed myself to be. (why didn't i think of this for the orals? argh!) ara also suggested that i might want to try asking my 'rents if i've changed..maybe i'll do that when i get home, have a heart-to-heart talk with mom.. :)

queena just texted, convincing me to start with theo since we're having a parlor day tomorrow despite the theo finals the next day, haha. so off to the concepts of marriage and human sexuality..two more days to go!!!

side note: i just realized that the tower of my desktop is branded neo..what a coincidence. (do coincidences really exist?)
ara, thanks again for dinner! :D and for the company! hehe :) God Bless to all of us for the last two finals! :)

santayo?

yda's been complaining that i don't have photos of santayo in my blog...so here it is :) the people whom i will literally and figuratively be lost without :)


one of the things we love to do together...EAT!!! :D attacking the ice cream bar at shakey's..kynan was with us, he's the one taking the pic :)

the only picture i have of santayo complete :) taken back during summer stat days..despite the somewhat shiny faces..we're all smiles! :D 

what finals?

it doesn't seem like i have finals tomorrow, philo orals to be exact. i've been stalling since forever, and i don't think i studied enough for it. i was feeling nervous about it earlier this evening so i called kynan and asked how his orals went. i felt a whole lot better after he described how the dreaded 15-minute orals turned out to be somewhat just a casual talk with sir. he gave me tips like not to mention concepts i don't really understand, just stick to what i know, and not think about pressure at all..thanks kynan! :) i hope i can pull it off tomorrow..for some reason i always mess up during orals, hope everything turns out okay. i need that A! haha ;p

i promised myself i wouldn't go online today since i wasted so many hours yesterday, but here i am! i'm turning into a blogaholic already.. and before this, my procrastinating self couldn't wait for saturday (the replay) so i switched on the tv just in time for the new episode of SATC. again, what finals are you talking about?

now i'm wishing i scheduled my orals last monday so i would have had more time to study for CS and theo. i need A's for the finals! i know i'm being extra grade conscious already, but isn't everyone? seriously, i need to have good grades, it's all i can give back to my 'rents who have been working their backs off for me to be here. i know a great bulk of the monthly budget goes to me, and yet i don't do well enough. i was thinking about this earlier, while struggling to figure out how to explain Heidegger and Marcel for tomorrow. i feel like i'm not giving my best shot, i often let my lazy tendencies take over, and force myself to be satisfied with mediocre work. how worse can things get? sure, i've stayed up late for countless nights, especially for marketing and cs, but for the other requirements, what did i do? sleep through readings, breeze through material for quizzes, doze off into dreamland during lectures...jeez. now that i think about it, i feel so guilty. and to think that my 'rents agreed that i go home for the break even if i stay for just a week (yes, miraculously, they did). and they got me a new phone, even if it was way beyond our monthly allocations. with all that they've been doing for me, i have not even given back at least 1/4 of what they wanted. all they want are good grades, and what do i show them, mediocre work! it just feels so shitty. and i can't really do much anymore except do my best for the finals, which is only about 15-20 %. i hope things turn out for the better, i hope i won't have any C's to show them this time. Jess help me.

enough of the drama. on the lighter side, i am sooooooooooooo excited to go home!!!! :D mom agreed last night, all it took was a dramatic text message. kidding! but seriously, it feels different, i feel so much more excited since all along my mind was already set on me not going home for the break. i'll be there for only a week, but what the heck, at least i get to go home! :) God is really so good. :) i can't wait!!! :)

2 days till parlor day.
3 days till santayo's movie marathon.
5 days till evsem.
8 days and i'm back to where my heart is :)

tattooed on my mind

Baby you'll soon forget about all,
or maybe you'll miss it like I do.
One thing’s for sure I’m on a doubt,
spend too much time thinkin’ of you

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you're the dangerous kind
And your smile is tattooed on my mind
And I can't get you out of my dreams

Don't wanna write,
I don't wanna call,
I would not know what to say
It should be you
That’s how I want it to be
Tell me you feel the same way

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you're the dangerous kind
your smile is tattooed on my mind
And I can't get you out of my dreams

Oh, Yesterday,
I was feelin' safe,
All I do today is tryin’ to be brave
and no melody can seem to suit my mind
and now I curse you for being so sweet and so kind

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you're a dangerous kind
And your face is tattooed on my mind
And I can't get you out of my dreams

Yes I know you're tattooed
On my mind you're tattooed

this song says it all... :) i'll post a longer entry soon.

from frowns to smiles

thanks to den's trusty digicam, most of our working days were documented..from the consecutive after-school revision sessions at starbucks to the allnighters at either den's or shiela's place. photos from the latter i will not post, it's too embarrassing and perhaps revealing? :) these three photos sum up how we all felt all through out the sem; drained but still managed to fool around 50% of the time, and of course, delighted with how everything turned out. i will miss you guys!!!


drained from all the passes...making up for that F+...

fooling around...trying to make things lighter... 

all smiles :) celebrating at don henrico's after the defense :) 

happy ending

defense grades were released today, and girlsen got a 3.17! :) yay!!! a true underdog story indeed. please excuse the bragging but i just feel so fulfilled! all the sleepless nights proved to be worth it. thank you Jess :) mwah! :)

a much awaited end

it sure feels good to just laze around and not worry about anything. there's nothing major due on monday so i'm savoring every single minute of my weekend. the 3-unit-but-seems-like-5 marketing is officially over, the last installment of it having been accomplished earlier today. girlsen did much much better in the defense, a far cry from the disastrous mock defense a couple of weeks ago. the panelists were very friendly and open-minded, something which we were really very thankful for. and we loved them more when they couldn't stop praising our ads! :D
girlsen then celebrated at don henrico's, pigging out on mozzarella sticks, pizza heavily laden with cheese (i can't recall the exact name ;p), and the all-time favorite, buffalo wings (yumyumyum!!!). never felt that much satisfaction in such a long time! queena, den, tal, and i then headed back to school to check out the defense grades since our teacher it would be out after lunch. when we got to som, we were told that it would be out on monday or tuesday at the latest. we all then went our separate ways, me planning to catch up on all the many nights i wasn't able to get enough sleep. although i was the one who slept the longest last night (according to den, no one attempted to wake me up, hehehe!), i still feel like it wasn't enough. getting only an hour of sleep last friday and exhausting all my brain cells for that super crammed cs project really drained me out. queena said we should keep a list of all the firsts we had this sem: the consecutive allnighters, creating a business plan in one night, going to school without taking a bath (yuck!), having the biggest eye bags ever! when i think about all these firsts, although i will never want to fall under the same amount of stress ever again, the relationships formed and experiences gained are nevertheless irreplaceable. at the end of the day, i guess what is left in our minds is what we have gained from the experience, more than what we have lost. it's always the good, the positive, that leave a beautiful memory. we may even find ourselves being grateful for the obstacles, as they led us to better ground, molded us into better people. despite all the bags, zits, and extra pounds this whole marketing course has caused me, i am still very much thankful for the enriching experience. (perhaps this will lead me to a marketing career? ;p)

so to girlsen: queena, shiela, tal, patty, and den...you are wonderful groupmates! :) i will surely miss the laugh trips, music videos, bsb bonanzas, food fests, all nighters...i love you guys!!! :D we love wallpaper! :)

taking a break

wow, i haven't blogged in such a long time. there's just so much schoolwork to attend to. the pile gets heavier, the days grow shorter..i just can't wait for sembreak. everyone else is ranting about the same thing in their blogs, it's disheartening. well at least i'm chatting with K right now, such a blissful consolation. to think he rarely goes online.. Jess is on my side. :)

in a few minutes i have to get back to reality and hit the books (or the sack!), i hope things get better as the days pass. progress, progress..

~~~
"Sometimes what you want is right in front of you. All you have to do is open your eyes and see it." - from All American Girl

a big red F+

how frustrating can life get? girlsen got an F+ in the last pass. is there such a grade? so now we have to redo the entire paper. MAJOR reconstruction. we have so much to change before the final draft + mock defense on tuesday. and this feverish feeling and upset stomach are not helping at all. goodbye to my precious weekend, goodbye to the luxury of sleep. starting tonight, the bags and the zits will grow infinitely. God help us.

over coffee and two sampaguitas

i decided to meet up with oyet earlier today and study at starbucks, since i rarely get to do so at home. it's either i doze off or i linger in the confines of my pc and blog away. having three quizzes tomorrow all the more gave me the reason to get my act together and finish all my readings. when i got there, yet and i talked for a while, exchanging updates on what's been happening and soon after we both tried to study. but in between we would both remember some juicy topic and start gabbing about it. time flew so fast, and before we knew it, there was only an hour left before their curfew at the dorm (she was with iskra, igi, and mac, UPK people). i also saw nins there, and we talked a bit, on how things were going...how i miss the ease of freshman year. yet then called K since she really needed the tickets for the cheering competition on sunday, and he said he would drop by. so from then on, we both stopped studying and started talking about K and her J, about why we both were always in highly unfavorable situations. K arrived at around 9:30, and we chatted some more, then i asked if he could drop me off since my place was on the way to his pad. he agreed, but he said he wanted to grab something to eat first since he hasn't had dinner yet. so we left and said goodbye to everyone, then headed for mcdo. on the way there, we encountered a kid selling sampaguitas. i pitied him so i ended up buying two. K said he'd place them in his car (without me offering! ;p)...now he has something to remember me by, every single day, until they wilt (which, sadly, happens quite fast)...well i hope it goes beyond that span of time. here i am again...me and my wishful thinking.

it was a good day, considering i was able to meet up with my best bud, and catch up on each other's lives somehow. never mind if i wasn't able to finish my readings, they suddenly don't seem so important anymore (there's always the act called cramming). i'm happy i was able to spend time with yet and K as well...hope i have more of these memorable moments :)

the wonders called friends

i got home just about a few minutes ago, and i turned on my pc right away. i've been itching to blog since last night, i wanted to narrate everything that happened yesterday but was too tired to, i hit the sack right after watching sex and the city. so yesterday was ara's birthday, but it seemed like all of us celebrated our birthdays as well, since we all had so much fun. yda and i were talking earlier in class today, and we both had the same sentiment of being very happy that we were able to make ara feel special, that somehow we made her day. we all could tell just by the permanent smile plastered on her face and her constant repetitions of "ang saya ko today.." :) we designed a special treasure hunt for her, making her search for clues as early as 730 in the morning. it ended at 630 in the evening, when we gave her the prelude to her real treasure (which we will reveal on the 25th, during her joint party with rb), a LARGE coleslaw salad, her favorite from kfc. as she wrote in her blog, "it was the best coleslaw i ever had..." awww...we're really glad we made you happy ara! :)

ara, yda, queena, and i then hung out a bit later than the others, and we just gabbed about almost anything - what happened on that day, the three-year expiry date theory, V and K (who wore exactly the SAME shade of violet as i did on that day, and ara capturing the whole moment of us talking..using kynan's phone, without my knowledge), and all sorts of other things, i don’t even remember them all anymore. it felt very relaxing to be talking in the bench with them, the rest of the school being so quiet and calmed down already. i wish we had more of those bonding moments, i've been pushing for a major thing over the sembreak since i won't be going home. i hope yda, our official events coordinator, will be able to come up with something interesting for us to do over the much awaited and much needed break.

when i think about all this, having them for friends, people who i know i can really count on, people who live up to the saying of "being there in the good and bad", it makes me wonder how things managed to fall into place. sure, i can always trace it back to second year when we did all of the group projects together, but i believe it is so much more than just working together. i mean i can work together with people and not have anything to do with them afterwards. it has a lot more to do with connection i guess, being on the same wavelength, unconsciously responding to the other. because it seems to me that our friendship stemmed from something effortless, in a sense that we all just clicked, not having to put up facades or other such pretenses, knowing we belonged right away. i faintly remember the conversation i had with shiela back in first year, about having so-called groups in college. i don't remember how it started or how it went exactly, but i think she asked me when we would have a permanent group of friends in college, i said probably during sophomore year. i really didn't have a concrete explanation for that, i just said that maybe since you've known them for a year already and considering the fact that you're blockmates, you see each other in almost every class, etc., the time is quite sufficient to know the people you would want to be with. i threw the question back to her, and she said it would be come junior year, when there were no blocks anymore, when everyone was on their own already. that way you'd know if people hung out with you just because there was no one else to hang out with, or if they really had some interest in you, and really saw you as their friends. and i think she's right, considering how things have turned out right now. there are people who you thought were your friends but turned out to be otherwise, and there are those who stay, those whom you know are your friends indeed. mom always said that friends made during high school are the ones you'll have for the rest of your life. i'd always like to think she's right since she's been through it, but i don't want to close the idea of my college friends not being the same. this may become too cheesy already but i feel that it is only with them that i feel i truly belong, it is only with them that i can really say what's on my mind, how i'm feeling...a lot of psychological tests i've taken reveal i have a need to belong, which probably explains why this whole belonging thing matters to me. along with the disheartening experience of betrayal back in high school, i think this is why i put so much value and emphasis on my friends now.

so to ara, queena, shiela, yda, and kynan...thanks guys!!! :) i love ya :)

lifetime decisions on a laidback sunday

the perfect saturday didn't end with me finishing Vinegar Hill or leisurely posting in my blog. t.jen and i were still able to catch the last full show of Princess Diaries 2 in eastwood, and i absolutely loved the movie! perfect for a destresser type of movie, very light yet full of wisdom at the same time. i mean there's so much in it without having to twist your mind and really make you think, not one of those deep kinds of flicks. i adored the humor in brigitte and brigitta, wit of queen clarisse (julie andrews rocks!), constant efforts of princess mia to be "fit for a queen". but what made me melt most of all was the lake scene with nicholas, with norah jones' crooning in the background. wow. just made me want to have my own prince right then and there. badly. until now i still can't get over how beautifully made the scene was. how i wish i were a princess too, caught forever in that moment. more wishes.

* * *

we were required to attend a couple sharing for theology this morning, and i wasn't very enthusiastic about the whole thing considering that it was to be done on a sunday, of all days. but dr. asis always manages to pull it off pretty well, along with his hilarious jokes and crazy antics. he did a "mel and jay" type of presentation, having the couples answer different questions thrown at them, followed by a marriage counselor affirming and further analyzing the answers. the entire couple sharing turned out to be an eye-opener, as the couples imparted to us the joys and sorrows of being married, the obstacles they encounter, and the magic of still discovering something new everyday. it really helped that they were very honest and open about the various issues tackled, and disclosed very personal information at that. it made me come to my senses and realize that marriage is not something you decide on overnight, it is not something you think you can easily play around with. going into marriage is spelling the future for you, and having to spend the rest of your life with someone definitely requires much thinking over. it's sad how people take the sacred act of marriage all too trivially these days, especially the procreation aspect. words fall short in describing how valuable marriage really is, how it goes way beyond the physical, how it takes so much more of ourselves than what we actually think. as the sharing was coming to an end, and the couples were giving loving, thank you messages to each other, i wondered how mom and dad fared in a sharing like this. they always did sharings back home. makes me curious on what they talked about...hmmm... :)

* * *

another laid-back afternoon has passed, me napping for about three hours or so, consciously catching up on all the lost sleep the previous weeks have caused me. the weather has been very cooperative as well, the heat not being excruciating, the rain being just right. when i went to get some water in the kitchen about thirty minutes ago, the rays of the late afternoon sun reflected in, and for some reason this view has always given me the feeling of restoration, of serenity even just for that moment. how i wish all afternoons were like this. oh what a wonderful weekend. :)

~~~
"A queen is never late, the rest of the people are simply early." - Queen Clarisse
"Marriage is never a walk in the park." - Mr. Nando, one of the sharers in the couple sharing
"like the desert waiting for the rain...my poor heart, it's been so dark...i'm just sitting here waiting for you..." - Turn Me On by Norah Jones

a perfect saturday

good food, lots of sleep, cold weather...makes up a perfect saturday for me. after two long weeks of pure stress, i'm finally able to rest. regaining my relaxing weekends is more than enough for me at the moment. i've realized that i value sleep so much more now, now that i am almost always deprived of it. so more on what happened so far today...

• dreaded cs defense...the last and definitely the least. it was the worst of all. 'nuff said.
• lunch with santayo (minus shiela whom we missed) at zuppa in eastwood. finally we were able to have a decent lunch together, although kynan still isn't satisfied, he really wants to GO OUT! (imagine him saying that ;p)
• curling up in bed, trying to finish Vinegar Hill (which i have been reading for almost a month now), falling asleep in between chapters...
• reading some more, with the rain pouring indefinitely outside, giving off an atmosphere most fit for sleeping some more...
• finishing Vinegar Hill, which turned out to be a bit disappointing. it was a very depressing story, with a rather odd ending.
• being able to update my blog with no pressure at all. no schoolwork to think about, no org stuff to cram...

despite the disastrous cs defense, i think i can already consider this a perfect saturday. a real weekend. if only i could have more. more of those times when i can just hide behind the covers all day, not having to worry about a thing. more of those times when i can finish a book in one day. more of those times when i can relish the food i eat, holding on to every bite, unlike these past few days when i just take quick meals in between classes or during group meetings. more of those times when i can just gab all day with my friends like there were no tomorrow. here i am again, wishful thinking. but nevertheless, i'm already grateful for this relaxing, stressfree day. this one perfect saturday. :)

amidst the stress

i just had a long talk with k earlier. its sad, confusing, complicated...but i still felt happy i was able to spend time with him. does everything end here? me being his friend? how is it possible that i am able to worry about these things amidst all the stressful schoolwork? what am i going to do? what should i do?

back in action

after a day of relaxation, the pressure and stress of schoolwork is starting to have its presence felt once again. our marketing pass due this thursday is causing all our brain cells to retire much earlier. we are totally clueless on how to go about this pass, our teacher leaving us with nothing but a measly heading that says "financial projections". how are we supposed to do that? people have suddenly become so difficult to understand these days.

after a week of trying hard not to think about k, i had to see him today for a meeting. before official matters, he said he had something to tell me, but when he knew i had another meeting right after, he chose to tell me some other time. darn. talk about timing. i know i shouldn't be drifting off to dreamland but i just can't help it. i wish what he would tell me were something i would be happy about, something that would make even the slightest of possibilities come true. i hope things work in a more positive light now. here's the hopeless romantic in me again. makes me hold on more tightly to hope, drives me to cling on to a thousand wishes.

rewards

had a very eventful weekend, i don't know how to start telling my story. chronologically's the easiest way to do it so here goes...

friday: TEN or so stress-induced pimples grew on surfaces where they're not supposed to. cs caused 70% of it, philo could be credited for the rest. i have never felt so annoyed, irritated, pressured, in my entire academic life. people suddenly became so unreliable, it blew the whole project off. what was their rationale behind all that? i honestly can't put the pieces of the puzzle together. as i trudged back to the foyer with a heavy heart, ara called me from behind and asked how our project was, and boom...the lump in my throat couldn't retain its form any longer, my tears started to flow like it had been wanting to hours earlier. i'm glad she was there anyhow, even if i was bawling like a kid who just lost her newly-bought puppy. the feeling sucked but i felt a bit relieved at the same time, having been able to let some of my angst out. i had no choice but to continue the paper, and let my bitchy self take over since i really couldn't stand being nice anymore. mom kept on texting if i was already on my way to meet them, and i felt bad all the more. i could have already spent time with them instead of cramming the stupid paper. i wasted no time and left right after we passed the half-baked project. can someone tell me the benefits of intersection groupings? can someone prove that the blood, sweat, and tears for all that is worth it?
i wasn't really able to enjoy the dinner so much either since my tummy had already given up in using the growling stategy, and winced instead when i fed it with food. yet seeing my fam after such a grueling day was enough for me to regain my strength and keep a smile on my face for the rest of night.

saturday: spent the entire morning with mom, t.bambi, and geli, and met up with mother goose's friend. bargain galore! i thought i'd find some good buys but it was just so tiring to go through all those stuff with the excruciating heat and my agoraphobic tendencies. i guess i still haven't had enough sleep too, i wasn't as recharged as i thought i would be.
big party in the afternoon..had glitter art done (the closest i could get to the henna tattoo i've been wanting for the longest time) for free! the food was great as well..went back around three to four times i think! it was catered by bizu, along with a dippin' dots stall which kept my sibs coming back for more. the kids salon was a really brilliant idea too, all of the kids looked so nice in the pictures and the video, with their styled (well more of spray-colored) hair and a bit of make-up :) everyone still had tons of energy when the party was over so we decided to head to shang. when we got there we had only about thirty minutes left before closing time, so we weren't able to do much in the mall. a live band was playing outside, and mom got all hyped up she wanted to stay longer. someone suggested that we check out baywalk, and with no hesitation, the troop headed for manila. imagine 11 people crammed up in one car! it was fun nonetheless. we cruised manila, from ayala to baywalk, then brought t.jo and robie home to paranaque, then headed back to tay2. talk about road trips. it was a lot of fun, especially while having chicken fillet and fun shots all to ourselves at the back - me, geli, and tella. really did take away all the stress from the previous hellish week.

sunday: tella and i ended up sleeping in the living room, having one couch each to ourselves. we were awakened by t.mini who appeared startled to see us both curled up and sleeping soundly in the sala. she couldn't help but laugh at the sight of us, i even thought the laughter was occuring in my dream, that's how knocked out i was. we then talked about the party and everything else that transpired on that day..mother goose's friend, the kids, fairy fionna... after a while, mom came down and we talked some more, but then we had to get ready since we planned to hear mass at 1030, before meeting up with dad's clan for lunch. as usual, we were moving at a snail's pace and left the house at around 1130 already. we went straight to gerry's grill instead, and had a very bad-cholesterol-filled lunch (crispy pata, sisig, liempo, etc)...we then proceeded to jack's loft for dessert (which was even MORE sinful). we went to shopwise after then headed for makati, and everybody splurged! :) mom bought clothes for me (some of which i ended up giving to geli), a new bag, and a really funky bronze bangle :) we weren't able to shop together in such a long time, i really missed how it felt to bond with mom..i just felt so happy and destressed! :) we paid a stop at bread talk (food again!) to stock up for our midnight snack ritual before leaving for mass which was at 9 in magallanes. mom and dad were reminiscing a lot when we entered the church, it being the place where i was baptized and the village being the one where we stayed in the longest. they even knew the commentator at the mass, one of mama's friends according to mom (the one who made my tita's dresser which was passed on to me and is now sitting in my room in cdo). after the mass, we looked around the church. we were amazed at the much-improved garden where the way of the cross was done; the design was simply beautiful :) what i loved the most was the adoration chapel; i felt like i could stay there all day..it really resembled my idea of a sanctuary. i wish there was someplace like that in school or near the house..someplace i could hide in and pour out all my emotions..anyway, after that we headed for home, everyone feeling very tired and sleepy..even if i could barely keep my eyes open and my feet were killing me, i felt very happy to have spent this weekend with my family :)
it really is different when i'm with them, the feeling's unexplainable. time suddenly becomes so precious, happiness uncontainable. i can't wait for december.

~~~
"the time of your birth and death doesn't matter, what counts is the time spent in between..."
"only the humble can be generous..."
"i adore Thee by the abyss of my own nothingness."

glitter art i had done at sandi's party (for free!) ain't it cute? :) 

hoping for more suspensions

this may seem very selfish but i really need one more day of having classes suspended. i can't imagine how i would survive if classes were not suspended today and yesterday. my friends' blogs were all about the typhoon and the suspended classes as well, how they were happy but felt guilty at the same time. as i sit in front of my pc, posting in my blog, continuously prolonging my philo paper, other people are trying desperately to fit themselves and their families in crowded evacuation centers just so they can have shelter. how unfair can the world be?

the past few days i have found myself complaining about sleeping at three am, waking up to more pending schoolwork, staring in front of the pc the whole day. there is something to be grateful about despite all this, there should be. God is really so good, the typhoon just came right on time. queena said she did believe in God but when the suspension happened so timely for us to have a lot more time to work on everything we had to finish by tomorrow, she suddenly felt the urge to submit herself to the convent. :) her humor never fails to lighten the load, thanks biatch partner!

i have to plunge back to the real world now, type away till the wee hours of the morning. again. we're doing the vigil for the third straight day, as queena likes to put it. and as one status from ym goes, "over booked, over worked, under loved..." indeed.

struggling to keep my eyes open

it's almost two am and i'm still staring in front of this screen, checking out the photoblog of this very talented asian photographer and having a conversation with queena over ym instead of editing my wac. i still have three papers pending and i'm now stalling, releasing all the stress, all the pressure i'm feeling right now here in my blog. thank God for online journals.

as i look back on what happened today, i can't even think straight, i can't produce a vivid picture of a single situation that took place (i can but the ones at present are of no significance at all). all i can remember is that everything i did was somehow related to this hellish of a week i'm having. i spent most of the morning in the computer lab, afternoon for theo and marketing meeting, and now i'm with a computer again. how exciting. i told myself i wouldn't post this week, that i would concentrate on what i have to do, to actually get things done, but i don't think not writing at all was even an option to begin with. i feel so drained, i could sleep for twenty or so hours. and to think i still have the whole day tomorrow (well, later) to spend in front of the computer. how colorful can life get. for the nth time, i can't wait for friday.

my dear memcom :D (although only half of the entire team is present in this picture) taken after tbs, our biggest committee project of the year. sure was a success, thanks to you guys! memcom the bomb! :) 

popstar (literally - my other cheek having a star painted on it) with face paint during tbs :D 

too much

i want to write about a lot of different things that have been happening to me in the past few days but i don't have much time for that because i have so much schoolwork to do. why is it that i never have enough time? i'm really bad with time management. i wish i had a machine (tbs hangover!) that would actually make me manage my time better (or better yet, do it for me! haha!) for next week, these are what i have due:

• our part of the cs project - tuesday
• theo paper and presentation - thursday
• marketing pass 4 (4ps) - thursday
• marketing wac 3 - thursday
• whole cs project (which jeff, mabs and i will be compiling) - friday
• philo midterms paper - friday

wow. i know i should be starting on them already instead of blogging but i just can't seem to get myself to concentrate! i feel so stuffed, we just had lunch at Alba's, a spanish restaurant that offered a mean buffet. their food was really GOOD! plus i'll be watching the big game at 4 pm this afternoon so that means i have to have something accomplished between now and 3:50 pm. what could that be? i hope i don't fall asleep, or get caught up answering and sending emails.

i wish i could write about everything i want to write about - the dinner santayo (minus ara, whom we missed, was in baguio) had last friday, the successful tbs, k's annoying behavior, and so much more! i guess everything will have to stay put in my memory for now, i think i will not be able to post for a week or so, since my whole family's coming over on thursday. what a reward for this upcoming hellish week. i can't wait.

good weekends

my only saving grace at the moment are the good weekends i have, the rest of the week always turns out to be hellish, my sanity slowing slipping out of my grip everytime. i'm grateful that these two days are enough to regain my strength and perhaps my sensibility, if i ever had any.

my weekend buddy finally arrived last week, and my saturday and sunday was again filled with good food, long drives, and interesting conversations. as much as i'd want to write about everything that happened during those two glorious days, i have to log off now since we're having a review for the cs move test and my attention has been divided since the class started. i'm just really grateful that i have weekends to look forward to, they're just enough to get me through the struggles of college life.

thirty minutes

i tried my busted cable again a few minutes ago, just wanted to push my luck, maybe for some reason it would work. sadly it has remained busted. i'm getting used to not being able to check my mail everyday, not being able to blog when i want to. just when i am at the height of blogging, something disruptive occurs. obviously i am not over this busted cable, even if i know that is working to my advantage (academic advantage, that is).

moving on to what happened today...i was able to get more sleep, and even got a very pleasant wake-up call (well, okay, wake up text). my phone beeped and in came a message from k. although he texted because of acp, i was happy to receive a message from him nonetheless. he texted to tell me that we had to start with our tasks and so we agreed to meet during our free time to arrange the reservations. all day i waited for my prince but the pesky rain had its way and poured extraordinarily hard at the time we were supposed to meet so obviously we weren't able to do the arrangements together. after class i was able to finish reservations for one day so i texted him about it. this was a mistake but then i told him that we could meet up after my meeting if he still wanted to discuss things. i should've just waited for him to ask but that would take forever,knowing him..so on one hand, i think i did the right thing. we then talked after the meeting, and i endured thirty minutes of mosquitos feasting on my feet just so i could spend time with him. i was scared to suggest that we move somewhere else for he might say he had to go. i was hoping he would ask about dinner or something, but instead he told me he had a house party and he was leaving in a while. darn. so i tried to seem immune to the annoying pesks but after half an hour i faced my fear and suggested we move somewhere else. we headed to their bench and he introduced me to one of his friends whom he was going to the party with. after ten minutes i told him i had to go. i was scared (again) that he would say he had to go so i went ahead of him to make things simpler. as i was walking home, i tried to relive and recall our conversation, regretting the dumb comments i made, wondering if i still wasn't obvious enough. we talked about quite a lot in thirty minutes, him doing most of the sharing. he kept on saying how he felt content with everything that's been happening to him, that he actually found pressure to be positive at this point. one thing that made me wonder was when he said that he wasn't doing as good academically, that he's been losing focus lately. he said he was just thinking about so many things, although he didn't elaborate on it. was he thinking about the endless possibilities that have been clouding my mind for the past few weeks? i hope so. for some reason we came across the topic of birthdays, and he said his mom was coming over for his birthday in september. i acted as if i couldn't remember when and he said he couldn't remember mine either. he wasn't good at remembering birthdays, that he clarified. and upon saying this, something very wrong suddenly came out of my mouth. i told him i was sure he wasnt able to greet c yesterday. STUPID! why did i have to mention c?! i'm sure it gave him the impression that i am still not over c. and that's the last thing i would want him to think. how stupid could i get?

enough of k, it will only make me think of things i should not be thinking about. so what else happened today? we were able to finalize plans for next weekend, i hope everything will go very smoothly. instead of being out with my friends, instead of watching bombita with ds people, instead of doing research in malate with paul, i'm here at home, doing what i love to do, desperately searching for the touch. it was weird how i naturally begged off from tonight's "events", and i chose to cling to the safety of my pc on a cold friday night. a friday, of all days. if only i could leave right now, go someplace far where i could have my own peace and quiet, gain back the touch in solitude, accept and understand the hows and whys of life. life was not designed to be this complicated. i wish i had the drive of simplicity, the gift of patience. if only i could make everything simple in thirty minutes.

relief and more sleep

yay! i got a 75.5 for cs midterms plus i got the bet right so i have a total of 85.5 now! :D the long night sure did pay off, and thanks to t.pau's treat of a grande caramel macchiato, it really served its purpose all through out the looooong night. thanks Jessie!

now back to reality...the more pressing concerns i have to face now are:

• marketing pass three
• theo paper and presentation
• cs project
• team building seminar

i think the reason why my cable got busted and i still am not able to buy a replacement is because i have so much to do and if my internet were back at home, all my precious time would be spent blogging! ha! it's starting to become an addiction, and it sucks that i can't post in the privacy of my room. but then i guess it happened for me to realize that i have so much responsibilities to attend to! oh well. speaking of responsibilities...

i had a 50-minute conversation with mom last night over the cellphone. my bill's gonna go beyond it's monthly limit again, but she's paying for it anyway so that's okay. i told her i was gaining weight and looking old again, and what other reaction would i receive from my vain mother than lots of ranting and comparison to herself. but what comes after is the best part, all the tips and bits of advice which i love listening to but don't quite follow religiously. the three top pieces of advice she gave were to: 1) get enough sleep 2) drink lots of water 3) keep away from the sun. seems impossible for a struggling college student like me, but then again i think it all boils down to time management and priorities. i better start losing the bags and the logs.

i was able to catch the first few episodes of the sex and the city encore last night, but grew sleepy at around 12 midnight. there is so much to learn from their experiences, although i wish they had a different title for the show coz my older relatives "ban" me from watching it coz they think its all about sex. duh-huh. talk about judgement. i wish people didn't judge so quickly, although i admit i am guilty of doing the same most of the time. it's something i have wanted to get rid of but just didn't have enough willpower to. oh well, enough of the drama, i'm not in my drama queen state at the moment. i saw k a couple of times but i don't think he saw me. whatever. i'm just gonna let things go for now. i feel so relieved, it's unexplainable.

busted cable, better day

i haven't been able to post for the past few days coz my cable at home's busted. i feel much safer when posting at home, as compared to here in the foyer, but obviously i just couldn't help it this time. i won't be able to go online this entire weekend coz i'll be sleeping over with cousin at heritage, where papa's currently staying. he arrived today and whenever he stays at the hotel, he always wants us to stay there too. i will not pass up the chance of having free food and possibly even a shopping spree! :) haha! but i hope i could still study for cs midterms which is on monday. i can't afford to slack off on this since the whole subject is worth five units! five units of free internet! oh well..

relatively i had a good day today. i was able to go to confession (finally!), heard mass with ara and k after that, spent some time with k while he ate lunch, and had quite a good talk with ara after lunch. i felt okay when i was with k, didn't really feel kilig but more of happy since he was able to share his feelings (not about me though! hehe), that he felt frustrated about his midterms, and that he felt sad because his best friend left the country today for good. i guess pebbles was right. i really shouldn't take things seriously, just go with the flow and see how things go.

ara and i then went to ISO for lunch, i ordered what he recommended, and it didn't turn out to be so bad. ara and i tried to analyze what's going on with nicko, why he's acting the way he is. makes me remember all those crazy times with c. i wouldn't want to go back but i'm thankful nevertheless that it happened to me. i learned so much from it, and i hope somehow ara does too. i shared to her the stuff t.jus told us last sunday, how people had different ways of feeling love. i'll talk more about this in my next post, have to rush to ds because they might lock the room and all my stuff are still there. i'm glad i was able to have a meaningful talk with ara, i've been needing one of those for the past few days. i feel a bit recharged somehow. that's become a favorite word of mine, recharged. :)

power of prayer

wow. i have never felt so recharged in my entire life. or maybe i have, but this is a feeling i haven't experienced for the longest time.

i was feeling really mixed up the past few days, plus school pressure was really wearing me off. i originally planned to go to school at around 1 pm, fairly an hour before my only class for the day. but when i woke up, i suddenly felt the urge to hear mass so i left earlier. during mass, i poured out everything, i asked Jess why k was acting the way he was. is it because i'm not used to this anymore? i wasn't able to pray that way in a long time, i certainly missed the reassuring, relieving feeling afterwards. ciara told me santayo moved to a different bench, my whole system was in shock when she told me that they were benches away from k. but then i told myself to slow down, he might not be there today. MIGHT. fortunately and unfortunately, he was there. we talked, i felt so much better. although there were weird moments, especially when his friends reacted when he mentioned the previous, i don't think it meant anything. well i'd like to think it didn't, that he only told them about the past. he then said he couldn't make it to the movie, but when he said "let's go someplace far soon...", i wanted to leave with him right then and there. he asked what was wrong, i told him i was just really exhausted, i needed a break. he mentioned dozens of places he wanted to go to. i wish he'd stop talking about it and just do it. i hope he'd plan out everything and he'd ask me to go with him. the conversation ended soon after, and i asked him about dinner. he said he'd text me. here we go again. ouch.

yda and i planned on watching imelda but we had no other way to galle but to commute. the movie was at 7:45 and it was 6:30 already when we decided to push through even if it was just the both of us. i suddenly felt like asking him if he wanted to go, his thing was still tomorrow anyway. i called him up, thank God he answered. but he declined again, saying that he had to be home early, he needed to get enough rest for the event. i understood, but i guess i couldn't help but show the pain in my voice because he suddenly offered to take us to galle, to make up for not being able to come along. i settled for it, better than not being with him at all. i even asked him if he wanted me to buy dinner for him, since he was gonna pick us up at mcdo. it might have been too obvious, yet he could also see it as just a friendly gesture. with this situation, i really can't tell the difference anymore.

i can't believe this, i can't believe i'm going gaga over him. it's just so weird to be talking about him this way. i told yda about him, she had quite similar reactions with t.jen. is there really something? here we are again, agaw-dilim. how will i know? i hope he somehow gets the message, i know he isn't blind. when it comes to these matters though, i'm not really sure. shiela reminded me not to assume anything, i would only get hurt. i know that, but from his actions, positive possibilities can be conjured. or am i just overreading? it's getting late, i better brush off this uncertainty for now. but there's one thing that i am certain about, feeling "kilig" again and being inspired keeps the smile on my face, gives me the strength to hang on and see everything else in a brighter light. i have never felt much better.

interesting survey

13 random things you like:
1. food!
2. music
3. the sky – stars, the sunset, picture perfect clouds :D
4. papemelroti stuff
5. the breakthrough in technology called the cellphone :)
6. antique stuff
7. sneakers
8. pictures
9. bookmarks
10. books
11. sleep!
12. weekends
13. ticket to CDO!! :D
 
12 good movies:
1. Love Actually
2. I Am Sam
3. Coyote Ugly
4. Moulin Rouge
5. Chicago
6. Now and Then
7. Beaches
8. The Count of Monte Cristo
9. Changing Lanes
10. Beauty and the Beast
11. The Lion King
12. Kill Bill
 
11 good bands/artists:
1. Norah Jones
2. Alicia Keys
3. Michael Buble
4. Matchbox 20
5. Maroon 5
6. The Calling
7. Usher
8. Barbie’s Cradle
9. The Eraserheads
10. The Corrs
11. Hanson!! :D
 
10 things about me:
1. Writing is my passion, although I seem to have lost touch lately.
2. I miss home terribly. I’ll have to bear with it for the next four months.
3. I love my fam dearly...just can't live without them :D
4. One of my greatest dreams is to travel around the world before I reach 40.
5. Good food, long drives, and interesting conversations make up most of my weekends :)
6. I tend to be overly sensitive especially when it comes to my friends, but I love them so much nevertheless :)
7. I eat fast, I gain weight fast…I’ve been wanted to go back to my ideal weight of 110 but it’s just so hard! I LOVE FOOD! :D
8. I have never appreciated school as much as I do now…although the workload’s really driving me nuts, I still manage to find some meaning behind it all :)
9. I have slight IBS.
10. I long for quiet time in solitude, but once I have it, my mind always wanders, desperately or otherwise. I can never really focus.

9 people who matter to you: (some in groups; in no particular order)
1. FAMILY: Dad, Mom, Geli, Paolo, Sam – i will always love them, no doubt about that. but it was only when I started out in college did I realize how much they really meant to me…and I’m grateful for that realization since I get to really relish and enjoy breaks much more than I used to :)
2. Mama – people always say I am the favorite apo, and for once, I will not contest.  I do admit I am utterly spoiled by her, but not in a bad way ;p it all goes way beyond the material things.  It’s more about the way she ALWAYS listens to what I have to say, all my rants and raves about school, about my abnormal tummy, about my life.  She has always been there for me, she has never failed to make me feel loved, to make me feel important.  I miss her terribly too, hope and pray I’d be able to visit her before I graduate.
3. extended fam – both sides; for all the family gatherings – whether in paranaque, alvero, or in gusa, these have always been concrete manifestations that the best things in life are free. :)
4. t.jen – my new best friend :) weekend buddy, confidante, big sis…its amazing how she can fill so many roles at one time. Filled with so much wisdom and so much life, I can never remember a dull moment with her.  I can only learn so much during those long drives.
5. santayo – makes college so much easier to bear, and so much spicier! :D I would literally and figuratively be LOST without them.
6. dsport – dear friends I miss so much. these are one of the few phases when I badly wish I could turn back time.
7. yaya nats – for the stress-relieving home-cooked meals, along with all the TLC through the years :)
8. hs peeps – owe a million wonderful memories to them…seekers most especially :D 
9. Jess – my continuing struggle, my unfailing light and strength. :)

8 favorite food/drinks:
1. French fries from McDo
2. WATER!!!
3. yaya nats’ specialties – dry adobo, monggo soup, carbonara, leche flan…and the list goes on and on…
4. mom’s chicken with cream style corn and dad’s adobo! :D
5. Chili’s brownie sundae
6. Don Hen’s buffalo wings
7. CPK’s bbq chicken salad
8. Coffee Bean’s chai latte!

7 songs that you can relate to:
1. Everybody Hurts – R.E.M./The Corrs
2. Dream of Me – Kirsten Dunst
3. Get Here – Oleta Adams
4. Jealous - Nina
5. With A Smile - Eraserheads
6. If I Ain’t Got You – Alicia Keys
7. Waiting in Vain – Annie Lennox

6 good books:
1. Tuesdays With Morrie
2. Summer Sisters
3. The Giving Tree
4. Griffin and Sabine saga
5. White Oleander
6. The Alchemist

5 things I touch everyday:
1. toothbrush
2. deo
3. cellphone
4. soap
5. shampoo

4 shows I watch:
1. Alias
2. Will and Grace 
3. Gilmore Girls 
4. news

3 local celebrities I have a crush on:
1. Geoff Eigenmann
2. Piolo Pascual
3. Jinno Rufino  

2 people I have kissed:
1. fam
2. m.

1 person I can spend my whole life with:
1. that I have yet to find out. :)

so blue

everything seems to work against me these days. i feel so annoyed about everything, i never seem to be satisfied. i was reading ciara's blog awhile ago and she was ranting about the same thing. is it that time of the month already? i can't believe this, i'm even pissed coz something weird happened to the template of my blog, and i didn't even do anything to it...argh, what the hell is wrong with me???

i tried calling him earlier tonight but there was no answer. maybe he was still out for dinner. i read his birthday letter again last night, and i mused at the thought of how different things can actually be because of perspective. when i read it during my birthday, i saw nothing in it. but now that my dear mind is tainted with all sorts of what-ifs, it could have really contained something. he's really good with words, and the use of it could go both ways... t.jen just called, she's wants to go drive-thru, i can sense the stress. continue with this confusing state later.

more to share

here's another beautiful message i want to share. such irony.
 
“When you look for it, why can you not find it?  When you stop laughing, why does it find you?  When you search for it, why do you do it in all the wrong places?  When you give up, why do you run into it in the most unlikely of places?
When you let go, is it because you love too much or because you don’t love enough?  What brings more pain – loving or leaving?  Is the realization that you no longer pine for anyone liberating or a lonely feeling?
When romantic relationships spark no interest, is it because you love yourself too much or because you love others too little?  When you leave, should you feel dispirited?  Or should you feel invigorated?  When you are left behind, should you feel lost?  Or should you feel emancipated?
When you stop loving, is it the end or the beginning?
When you cling to it, you lose it.  When you avoid it, it tracks you down.  Defining it will confound you.  Coveting it will destroy you.  But if you can just let it be, it can be a gift that can be appreciated for what it is and all that it can bring you.
When you love no matter what, are you brave or are you mad?  When you fall in love, are you blessed or are you cursed?  When you refuse to fall out of love, are you determined or deranged?  Does love inspire?  Or does it drain?
When you are resolute, are you romantic or are you rabid?
Why do people say they love when they don’t?  And why do they say they don’t when they do?  Why is a declaration of love the hardest of statements to make when it is real?  And the easiest to make when it is false?
Why can a child declare with certainty and without fear, that she is loved?  No matter how many times she has been berated?  Because against conflicting words and actions, repeated denials and numerous contradictions, love shows itself when it is there.  And even when no words are spoken, much is said.
Why do people love even when they are not loved back?  Why do people love a little, love a lot, love deeply, love foolishly, love forever, love again?  Why do people love at all?  Does love empower?  Or does it enfeeble?
Why do we see something in someone that others don’t?  Why do our hearts beat faster for one person against the rest?  Why can we forgive someone for sins we cannot forgive others?  Why do we love someone and not someone else?
As Pascal put it, ‘The heart has its reasons which reason cannot know.’”
– From the Heart by Melanie T. Lim

doing "nothing"

i haven't been doing anything productive for the last four hours.  my readings are seriously piling up but i'm just not in the mood for it.  can't stop thinking about k! argh! haven't seen him this week, but the talk i had with t.jen made a whole lot difference to the way i see things now. plus tin called this morning with really bad news about her and cre.  i feel better knowing that i won't have to worry about those kind of problems but still somehow i miss it.  i feel proud that i didn't get those disastrous urges anymore when my friends mentioned c the other night over ym.  now my thoughts always turn to k...what is it about him?  all the possibilities are driving me crazy.  or should i even be thinking about this?  i really want to think that there's nothing, that we're just plain friends, but when t.jen told me that i only wanted to think that way because i was afraid, it sure did make me think twice.  am i really?  i can never see clearly beyond the obvious.  maybe i can but not entirely.  what i thought is right isn't after all. jeez, i didn't know philo would come into the picture. agaw-dilim. battling between the uncertainties, not knowing which is true, struggling in the gray area. when and how will i know? maybe he's thinking the same too, maybe it was apprehension all this time. wishful thinking. i know assuming is the most dangerous action when it comes to these things. so what will i do? wait? is that all i can do?

less and more

as i  was cleaning my mailbox, i found a message without a subject from my high school classmate.  it's one of those eye-opener types but then this particular one struck me, and gave me the urge to share it here in my blog.  here goes:
 
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more,but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom,and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever,but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.
A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
 
i hope all these would constantly recur in my mind, especially when everything tends to become so confusing, so stressful.  a song just suddenly popped in my head, "what the world needs now, is love, sweet love..." how true.