power of prayer

wow. i have never felt so recharged in my entire life. or maybe i have, but this is a feeling i haven't experienced for the longest time.

i was feeling really mixed up the past few days, plus school pressure was really wearing me off. i originally planned to go to school at around 1 pm, fairly an hour before my only class for the day. but when i woke up, i suddenly felt the urge to hear mass so i left earlier. during mass, i poured out everything, i asked Jess why k was acting the way he was. is it because i'm not used to this anymore? i wasn't able to pray that way in a long time, i certainly missed the reassuring, relieving feeling afterwards. ciara told me santayo moved to a different bench, my whole system was in shock when she told me that they were benches away from k. but then i told myself to slow down, he might not be there today. MIGHT. fortunately and unfortunately, he was there. we talked, i felt so much better. although there were weird moments, especially when his friends reacted when he mentioned the previous, i don't think it meant anything. well i'd like to think it didn't, that he only told them about the past. he then said he couldn't make it to the movie, but when he said "let's go someplace far soon...", i wanted to leave with him right then and there. he asked what was wrong, i told him i was just really exhausted, i needed a break. he mentioned dozens of places he wanted to go to. i wish he'd stop talking about it and just do it. i hope he'd plan out everything and he'd ask me to go with him. the conversation ended soon after, and i asked him about dinner. he said he'd text me. here we go again. ouch.

yda and i planned on watching imelda but we had no other way to galle but to commute. the movie was at 7:45 and it was 6:30 already when we decided to push through even if it was just the both of us. i suddenly felt like asking him if he wanted to go, his thing was still tomorrow anyway. i called him up, thank God he answered. but he declined again, saying that he had to be home early, he needed to get enough rest for the event. i understood, but i guess i couldn't help but show the pain in my voice because he suddenly offered to take us to galle, to make up for not being able to come along. i settled for it, better than not being with him at all. i even asked him if he wanted me to buy dinner for him, since he was gonna pick us up at mcdo. it might have been too obvious, yet he could also see it as just a friendly gesture. with this situation, i really can't tell the difference anymore.

i can't believe this, i can't believe i'm going gaga over him. it's just so weird to be talking about him this way. i told yda about him, she had quite similar reactions with t.jen. is there really something? here we are again, agaw-dilim. how will i know? i hope he somehow gets the message, i know he isn't blind. when it comes to these matters though, i'm not really sure. shiela reminded me not to assume anything, i would only get hurt. i know that, but from his actions, positive possibilities can be conjured. or am i just overreading? it's getting late, i better brush off this uncertainty for now. but there's one thing that i am certain about, feeling "kilig" again and being inspired keeps the smile on my face, gives me the strength to hang on and see everything else in a brighter light. i have never felt much better.