one of the many roller coasters

so much has happened in the past week, my CJ now being the release for such momentous events. as i was writing in the CJ last night, my hesitant feeling of pouring out everything was reaffirmed. i still can't write absolutely everything that's on my mind, knowing that someone will be reading my entries. so much for that stream-of-consciousness rule. be it blog or CJ, the sentiment is the same. and what makes me sad is that i don't get to write those private thoughts in my real journal anymore, because i'm always pressed for time. how can 24 hours fall short for all that i have to do? i know, it's more of being able to master time management, rather than blame my regrets on the unchangeable. i don't know if its pms, but everything around me just makes me feel like i'm in a rollercoaster ride every single day. from gratitude to annoyance, happiness to confusion, the changes are all too abrupt. and the Christmasy feel from the cd kynan made to the decorations plastered all over the house, the malls (everywhere i go!), makes me feel nostalgic nonetheless. but then again, i am always reminded by that short quote "If you want to be happy, be." similar to the philo discussion earlier on today, it's all about free will, self-possession, kakayahan ng tao makialam sa meron, dominus sui.

my responsibilities have been bringing me down lately, the confusion heightening by the minute. i'll just get past the Christmas project, and from there i'll set things straight. i get to decide, don't i? i owe a lot to Trisha, my BMO partner, coz without her, jeez, i just don't know how i'd survive all the pressure! thanks trisha :D i also owe a whole lot to my friends...thank GOD they're there - making my sky bright, shielding the heavy clouds from bursting, from pouring out what it has held in for so long. i know i will have to eventually, but with the great number of tasks i have to fulfill, doing so will just complicate everything all the more. i guess i'll have to endure this ordeal for the mean time. i can't believe something i used to love so much has become a burden to me now, i am even able to call it an ordeal. this situation has somehow become bearable because of the five people (fab 5! ;p) who just know how to make things better, consciously and unconsciously :) thanks guys :D to Ciara, Kynan, Queena, Shiela, and Yda...as i've said before, i would be literally and figuratively lost without you! love ya all! :D mwah! :)

CJ

i'm now at the foyer, waiting for yet's text since we're meeting up at around 3:30...i haven't posted my daily chronicles here anymore, coz i write them down in the CJ and i find it redundant to talk about the exact same events here in my blog, even though no one would be reading the CJ but me. i guess this entire exercise entails a lot of getting used to. now i know what ara meant when she asked me about the whole blog vs CJ thing yesterday. surprisingly, i'm having fun with the CJ, although blocking off the censor is such a struggle right now. but i do believe the "stream of consciousness" rule sir imposed is very helpful, as we are backed up by the idea of writing down what we really think and not have to worry so much about coherence since it's supposed to be free-flowing. it may take a while before i am able to write purely free-flowing thoughts, but i really think it's a great opportunity for me to hone my passion,(or more of frustration?) as a writer, and for me to possibly regain the touch (the so-called "inner artist" ;p) in me.

longer post next time, gotta start walking. thank God the GA yesterday was a success! :) i love memcom! :D

blech

was going through my past entries, and the parts about K just made me go eeeeeewwwww...i can't believe i wrote such long, dramatic entries about him! eeeeewwww!!!! now i know how ara felt when she read her past posts..i just can't believe that was me writing all those things that mean nothing to me now. all the more am i convinced that it was just plain admiration that blew way out of proportion. my dangerous tendencies to get carried away were again at work. pebbles and tin really know me, since they asked me a million times if i was sure i liked him when i told them about him ages ago. and i refused to even think about what the question really meant. haha ;p for the nth time....eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!

spontaneous, sad sunday

today turned out to be a very spontaneous sunday. my original plan was just to laze around and officially start my second sem by reading the assigned article for philo and chapter one for pom, but i haven't reached half for either, and there are only a few minutes left before the day's end. t.jen texted earlier than usual and asked what i was doing today. she was arriving at 1 pm from negros and she wanted to watch first daughter. we planned to catch the 4:25 show, so i thought i had a lot of time to read. i then texted the computer technician and asked if he could come tomorrow and fix my pc, he said he could fix it up today. he arrived a bit after lunch and reformatted the whole system. now it's like i have a brand new computer, since everything was just wiped out. he was able to keep my files and my pictures though, as he transferred it in the hard disk of the spare computer. so everything was okay after two hours, but as i was putting back the hard disk i borrowed for backup in p.butch's pc, it wouldn't work! the screen displayed "primary master hard disk fail"...i panicked like crazy! i texted edwin (the technician) again, he said he'd come back after another pc job. i didn't want to hurry the movie and dinner out with t.jen, and knowing she hates being hurried on weekends, i just texted her and said i won't be able to go out anymore. so i waited and waited, tried reading but ended up customizing my pc instead, restoring the settings i had earlier...at around 6, i asked florence to buy dinner for me at mcdo. i asked her to buy a cheeseburger meal, but when she came back, she brought with her a quarter pounder. when i checked the receipt, it said cheeseburger meal, ha! i got a quarter pounder for 55 bucks! ain't that great? ;p i know i should have returned it, but the O.C. was starting already so... (yeah, i know, there's no justification for it..) speaking of the O.C., tonight's episode made me cry! kynan was right, it was very emotional. it was quite a common situation, but i think i was just swept away with how they portrayed the whole thing. i think it was too intense for me that i couldn't get myself to eat the burger! i mean it took me the entire hour to finish the meal (and to think i'm a rather fast eater.) kudos to the show...it really was an exceptional episode.
a few minutes after the show, edwin arrived and was able to get the hard disk working in five minutes! i then called up t.jen to tell her the pc's finally okay and that i was free (what readings? ;p) so she picked me up after ten minutes, and we went drive thru as usual. she told me she had happy and sad news for me, i told her to start with the sad news. and tada...she's moving to cebu. in january. i think i was speechless for about a minute or two, i didn't know what to say. my weekend buddy's moving away...after two years of de-stressing, pigging out, having a blast almost every weekend...when i just found a big sis, a confidante who just brings so much wisdom and sense to me...now she's leaving, and in two freaking months. i didn't want to ruin the night since she seemed so eager to share a lot more on what happened during the break so i asked her to continue...i was listening but still, the fact that she was leaving very soon was bugging me the whole time. and it still is. why now? why not wait till i graduate? i guess i can't be selfish, i know she's been wanting this for a very long time already, and i'm really happy for her since she'd get to see her family every weekend, but still...i feel like a really big part of me will be gone. we continued talking, in our usual late night routine - just talking in the car parked outside the gate, ice cream sundaes in hand, windows down...i'll be missing those terribly. before i went in i told her we'd have busy weekends starting next weekend, i made her promise that we'd do all things we've been wanting to do but kept on postponing...go on endless (just enough to fill the weekends that are left) food trips, explore all those other restaurants we kept on skipping coz we'd always crave for mcdo, the shopping trips to divisoria, tutuban, tagaytay getaways in one day...i hope we'd get to do all that before she leaves. darn. i sure am gonna miss the best weekend buddy i ever had.

43 days to go

it's a rainy friday night, and i'm stuck at home due to terrible cramps caused by my monthly visitor. i came home earlier than expected, wasn't able to attend the core meeting anymore because i felt i would already pass out any minute. some of the core might be thinking there's already something behind my somewhat perennial absence, but what the heck, i really couldn't take the excruciating pain anymore. i'm really crossing my fingers that i would be allowed to go to the evsem in march, coz i sure did miss a lot on the last one.
so when i got home today, i rested for a while (as medicine would have no effect anymore), then started on with the reinstallation of xp for my pc, hoping to cure the disease some virus inflicted on it, and actually make the internet connection work, but still, after two whole installations, i've arrived at nothing. i'm posting through p. butch's pc right now. it's been a long time since my last entry, and ara's been telling me to post since last week, i think she wants to hear more about B..hahaha ;p
i also checked out the website of loyola marymount university earlier, and i might be considering the MBA program...p. ben's constant mention of it seems to have sank in already...he always reminds me to study hard so i could get a scholarship for my masters..as of now i'm thinking i get some work experience first after college, maybe about three to four years, then pursue that MBA...that's what i'm thinking now, but i don't know how things will be in three years...but hey, it never hurts to plan :) ...or better yet..dream? :D (on a side note, i've been having very amusing dreams lately ;p now i believe that dreams are very much related to what you're currently thinking about, what's always on your mind...go figure ;p)

so yes, there is a little update on B..we texted earlier today, and he is just the sweetest :) he was ranting about his sked since he had classes at night, but when i told him mine, i think he did feel better. for those who still don't know, my very perfect sked which i have been raving about for the past week is not so perfect anymore, because of a class that was open to us during enlistment but now turns out to be exclusively for seniors. bummer. now all juniors in that class will have to move to either a 130 MWF class or a 9-12 SATURDAY class. i have philo on exactly the same time slot as that of the MWF class so what else am I left with? SATURDAY classes. great. so much for a perfect schedule. oh well. my only consolation now is that i'll be with yda and kynan..so i'm sure things will turn out to be fun :) anyway..back to B..so we talked more..it was a very light, carefree conversation..with a lot of jokes about him being here or me being there instead..then he asked if anyone was visiting me here at home and told him about how p. butch always teases me about it and asks yaya nats often too if there is anyone who actually visits..of course i said no, then he said "tell him he's not there yet coz he's still in cdo, saving up for his visit to manila..." :) that statement somewhat brought me clarity, giving me all the reason to feel giddy all over once again. for a while there i didn't have any dysmennorhea at all! haha ;p can't wait for december! :) i've started counting! ;p