power of prayer

wow. i have never felt so recharged in my entire life. or maybe i have, but this is a feeling i haven't experienced for the longest time.

i was feeling really mixed up the past few days, plus school pressure was really wearing me off. i originally planned to go to school at around 1 pm, fairly an hour before my only class for the day. but when i woke up, i suddenly felt the urge to hear mass so i left earlier. during mass, i poured out everything, i asked Jess why k was acting the way he was. is it because i'm not used to this anymore? i wasn't able to pray that way in a long time, i certainly missed the reassuring, relieving feeling afterwards. ciara told me santayo moved to a different bench, my whole system was in shock when she told me that they were benches away from k. but then i told myself to slow down, he might not be there today. MIGHT. fortunately and unfortunately, he was there. we talked, i felt so much better. although there were weird moments, especially when his friends reacted when he mentioned the previous, i don't think it meant anything. well i'd like to think it didn't, that he only told them about the past. he then said he couldn't make it to the movie, but when he said "let's go someplace far soon...", i wanted to leave with him right then and there. he asked what was wrong, i told him i was just really exhausted, i needed a break. he mentioned dozens of places he wanted to go to. i wish he'd stop talking about it and just do it. i hope he'd plan out everything and he'd ask me to go with him. the conversation ended soon after, and i asked him about dinner. he said he'd text me. here we go again. ouch.

yda and i planned on watching imelda but we had no other way to galle but to commute. the movie was at 7:45 and it was 6:30 already when we decided to push through even if it was just the both of us. i suddenly felt like asking him if he wanted to go, his thing was still tomorrow anyway. i called him up, thank God he answered. but he declined again, saying that he had to be home early, he needed to get enough rest for the event. i understood, but i guess i couldn't help but show the pain in my voice because he suddenly offered to take us to galle, to make up for not being able to come along. i settled for it, better than not being with him at all. i even asked him if he wanted me to buy dinner for him, since he was gonna pick us up at mcdo. it might have been too obvious, yet he could also see it as just a friendly gesture. with this situation, i really can't tell the difference anymore.

i can't believe this, i can't believe i'm going gaga over him. it's just so weird to be talking about him this way. i told yda about him, she had quite similar reactions with t.jen. is there really something? here we are again, agaw-dilim. how will i know? i hope he somehow gets the message, i know he isn't blind. when it comes to these matters though, i'm not really sure. shiela reminded me not to assume anything, i would only get hurt. i know that, but from his actions, positive possibilities can be conjured. or am i just overreading? it's getting late, i better brush off this uncertainty for now. but there's one thing that i am certain about, feeling "kilig" again and being inspired keeps the smile on my face, gives me the strength to hang on and see everything else in a brighter light. i have never felt much better.

interesting survey

13 random things you like:
1. food!
2. music
3. the sky – stars, the sunset, picture perfect clouds :D
4. papemelroti stuff
5. the breakthrough in technology called the cellphone :)
6. antique stuff
7. sneakers
8. pictures
9. bookmarks
10. books
11. sleep!
12. weekends
13. ticket to CDO!! :D
 
12 good movies:
1. Love Actually
2. I Am Sam
3. Coyote Ugly
4. Moulin Rouge
5. Chicago
6. Now and Then
7. Beaches
8. The Count of Monte Cristo
9. Changing Lanes
10. Beauty and the Beast
11. The Lion King
12. Kill Bill
 
11 good bands/artists:
1. Norah Jones
2. Alicia Keys
3. Michael Buble
4. Matchbox 20
5. Maroon 5
6. The Calling
7. Usher
8. Barbie’s Cradle
9. The Eraserheads
10. The Corrs
11. Hanson!! :D
 
10 things about me:
1. Writing is my passion, although I seem to have lost touch lately.
2. I miss home terribly. I’ll have to bear with it for the next four months.
3. I love my fam dearly...just can't live without them :D
4. One of my greatest dreams is to travel around the world before I reach 40.
5. Good food, long drives, and interesting conversations make up most of my weekends :)
6. I tend to be overly sensitive especially when it comes to my friends, but I love them so much nevertheless :)
7. I eat fast, I gain weight fast…I’ve been wanted to go back to my ideal weight of 110 but it’s just so hard! I LOVE FOOD! :D
8. I have never appreciated school as much as I do now…although the workload’s really driving me nuts, I still manage to find some meaning behind it all :)
9. I have slight IBS.
10. I long for quiet time in solitude, but once I have it, my mind always wanders, desperately or otherwise. I can never really focus.

9 people who matter to you: (some in groups; in no particular order)
1. FAMILY: Dad, Mom, Geli, Paolo, Sam – i will always love them, no doubt about that. but it was only when I started out in college did I realize how much they really meant to me…and I’m grateful for that realization since I get to really relish and enjoy breaks much more than I used to :)
2. Mama – people always say I am the favorite apo, and for once, I will not contest.  I do admit I am utterly spoiled by her, but not in a bad way ;p it all goes way beyond the material things.  It’s more about the way she ALWAYS listens to what I have to say, all my rants and raves about school, about my abnormal tummy, about my life.  She has always been there for me, she has never failed to make me feel loved, to make me feel important.  I miss her terribly too, hope and pray I’d be able to visit her before I graduate.
3. extended fam – both sides; for all the family gatherings – whether in paranaque, alvero, or in gusa, these have always been concrete manifestations that the best things in life are free. :)
4. t.jen – my new best friend :) weekend buddy, confidante, big sis…its amazing how she can fill so many roles at one time. Filled with so much wisdom and so much life, I can never remember a dull moment with her.  I can only learn so much during those long drives.
5. santayo – makes college so much easier to bear, and so much spicier! :D I would literally and figuratively be LOST without them.
6. dsport – dear friends I miss so much. these are one of the few phases when I badly wish I could turn back time.
7. yaya nats – for the stress-relieving home-cooked meals, along with all the TLC through the years :)
8. hs peeps – owe a million wonderful memories to them…seekers most especially :D 
9. Jess – my continuing struggle, my unfailing light and strength. :)

8 favorite food/drinks:
1. French fries from McDo
2. WATER!!!
3. yaya nats’ specialties – dry adobo, monggo soup, carbonara, leche flan…and the list goes on and on…
4. mom’s chicken with cream style corn and dad’s adobo! :D
5. Chili’s brownie sundae
6. Don Hen’s buffalo wings
7. CPK’s bbq chicken salad
8. Coffee Bean’s chai latte!

7 songs that you can relate to:
1. Everybody Hurts – R.E.M./The Corrs
2. Dream of Me – Kirsten Dunst
3. Get Here – Oleta Adams
4. Jealous - Nina
5. With A Smile - Eraserheads
6. If I Ain’t Got You – Alicia Keys
7. Waiting in Vain – Annie Lennox

6 good books:
1. Tuesdays With Morrie
2. Summer Sisters
3. The Giving Tree
4. Griffin and Sabine saga
5. White Oleander
6. The Alchemist

5 things I touch everyday:
1. toothbrush
2. deo
3. cellphone
4. soap
5. shampoo

4 shows I watch:
1. Alias
2. Will and Grace 
3. Gilmore Girls 
4. news

3 local celebrities I have a crush on:
1. Geoff Eigenmann
2. Piolo Pascual
3. Jinno Rufino  

2 people I have kissed:
1. fam
2. m.

1 person I can spend my whole life with:
1. that I have yet to find out. :)

so blue

everything seems to work against me these days. i feel so annoyed about everything, i never seem to be satisfied. i was reading ciara's blog awhile ago and she was ranting about the same thing. is it that time of the month already? i can't believe this, i'm even pissed coz something weird happened to the template of my blog, and i didn't even do anything to it...argh, what the hell is wrong with me???

i tried calling him earlier tonight but there was no answer. maybe he was still out for dinner. i read his birthday letter again last night, and i mused at the thought of how different things can actually be because of perspective. when i read it during my birthday, i saw nothing in it. but now that my dear mind is tainted with all sorts of what-ifs, it could have really contained something. he's really good with words, and the use of it could go both ways... t.jen just called, she's wants to go drive-thru, i can sense the stress. continue with this confusing state later.

more to share

here's another beautiful message i want to share. such irony.
 
“When you look for it, why can you not find it?  When you stop laughing, why does it find you?  When you search for it, why do you do it in all the wrong places?  When you give up, why do you run into it in the most unlikely of places?
When you let go, is it because you love too much or because you don’t love enough?  What brings more pain – loving or leaving?  Is the realization that you no longer pine for anyone liberating or a lonely feeling?
When romantic relationships spark no interest, is it because you love yourself too much or because you love others too little?  When you leave, should you feel dispirited?  Or should you feel invigorated?  When you are left behind, should you feel lost?  Or should you feel emancipated?
When you stop loving, is it the end or the beginning?
When you cling to it, you lose it.  When you avoid it, it tracks you down.  Defining it will confound you.  Coveting it will destroy you.  But if you can just let it be, it can be a gift that can be appreciated for what it is and all that it can bring you.
When you love no matter what, are you brave or are you mad?  When you fall in love, are you blessed or are you cursed?  When you refuse to fall out of love, are you determined or deranged?  Does love inspire?  Or does it drain?
When you are resolute, are you romantic or are you rabid?
Why do people say they love when they don’t?  And why do they say they don’t when they do?  Why is a declaration of love the hardest of statements to make when it is real?  And the easiest to make when it is false?
Why can a child declare with certainty and without fear, that she is loved?  No matter how many times she has been berated?  Because against conflicting words and actions, repeated denials and numerous contradictions, love shows itself when it is there.  And even when no words are spoken, much is said.
Why do people love even when they are not loved back?  Why do people love a little, love a lot, love deeply, love foolishly, love forever, love again?  Why do people love at all?  Does love empower?  Or does it enfeeble?
Why do we see something in someone that others don’t?  Why do our hearts beat faster for one person against the rest?  Why can we forgive someone for sins we cannot forgive others?  Why do we love someone and not someone else?
As Pascal put it, ‘The heart has its reasons which reason cannot know.’”
– From the Heart by Melanie T. Lim

doing "nothing"

i haven't been doing anything productive for the last four hours.  my readings are seriously piling up but i'm just not in the mood for it.  can't stop thinking about k! argh! haven't seen him this week, but the talk i had with t.jen made a whole lot difference to the way i see things now. plus tin called this morning with really bad news about her and cre.  i feel better knowing that i won't have to worry about those kind of problems but still somehow i miss it.  i feel proud that i didn't get those disastrous urges anymore when my friends mentioned c the other night over ym.  now my thoughts always turn to k...what is it about him?  all the possibilities are driving me crazy.  or should i even be thinking about this?  i really want to think that there's nothing, that we're just plain friends, but when t.jen told me that i only wanted to think that way because i was afraid, it sure did make me think twice.  am i really?  i can never see clearly beyond the obvious.  maybe i can but not entirely.  what i thought is right isn't after all. jeez, i didn't know philo would come into the picture. agaw-dilim. battling between the uncertainties, not knowing which is true, struggling in the gray area. when and how will i know? maybe he's thinking the same too, maybe it was apprehension all this time. wishful thinking. i know assuming is the most dangerous action when it comes to these things. so what will i do? wait? is that all i can do?

less and more

as i  was cleaning my mailbox, i found a message without a subject from my high school classmate.  it's one of those eye-opener types but then this particular one struck me, and gave me the urge to share it here in my blog.  here goes:
 
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more,but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom,and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever,but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.
A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
 
i hope all these would constantly recur in my mind, especially when everything tends to become so confusing, so stressful.  a song just suddenly popped in my head, "what the world needs now, is love, sweet love..." how true.
 

short break

this will be a short post, have so much to do and it's already past 12...i miss blogging! here are lyrics to a song that makes me feel better somehow, makes me forget all my worries even for a while. :D

Dream of Me by Kirsten Dunst

Let me sleep
for when I sleep I dream that you are here
you're mine
and all my fears are left behind

I float on air
and nightingales sing gentle lullabies
so let me close my eyes

And sleep, a chance to dream
so I can see the face I long to touch
to kiss
But only dreams can bring me this

So let the moon shine
softly on the boy I long to see
And maybe when he dreams
he'll dream of me

And High beneath the clouds
i'd whisper to the evening stars
they tell me love is just a dream away
dream away A dream away

So let the moon
shine softly on the boy I long to see
and maybe when he dreams
he'll dream of me

of so-called jogging and heaps of ice cream

There’s so much I want to write about but there's never enough time. I plan to skip my 730 class tomorrow, I haven't started with my readings and my next class will still be at 3 pm. but I feel guilty knowing that I already cut last week so maybe I won't. I feel so icky from the all-you-can-eat ice cream we had this afternoon at Shakey’s, I feel like I gained ten pounds in an instant! Last night’s effort was undoubtedly put to waste.
My friends and I went jogging last night as planned, although it was more of brisk walking which eventually became plain walking as time passed. I now realize why people always say that exercise is therapeutic. It did make me feel a whole lot better, not that I got rid of my worries all together, but more of seeing things in a much brighter perspective. My mind has been so unstable these past few days, often thinking about things which are never really worth thinking much about. This has always been one of my weaknesses. I always tend to complicate what in truth is really simple. Or maybe it's more of my emotions. I admit I was never the rational type. Most of my problems may be really trivial and almost nothing compared to what others are going through, but it's just so hard to keep on thinking about others when its you who’s involved. I think everybody has that kind of attitude, being selfish in some way, some just have more of it than others I guess.
I asked Shiela about her high school friends, if everything was still the same between them. She immediately replied with a big NO! Then she ranted for the next twenty minutes or so, on how she didn’t expect things to turn out that way, etc. Ciara joined in and said her barkada was still the same, that they always made it a point to get together and catch up on each other’s lives every semester. I wish my friends and I were like that too. Well maybe it’s really different when you’ve been together for so long. But still, I wouldn’t consider putting everything into waste just like that. I wouldn’t want to think that it is but the communication right now is really just bad. When we meet up during sembreaks or Christmas breaks, we don’t TALK much anymore. Sure we talk about who’s dating who and all that but rarely do we about the more serious stuff. I mean they’re one of the very few I can talk to about these kinds of things, and now I just can’t anymore. It’s sad; I hope it’s only temporary. I always thought that the friends we made during high school were the ones who’d stick around forever, but right now it just doesn’t seem that way. Maybe it’s too soon to tell, I don’t know. Maybe it comes with age too, with maturity. I really hate to compare especially when it comes to the people who matter to me but sometimes I just can’t help it. In the short span of time that I came to know those I consider friends right now, I wonder why I can always talk to them about real stuff – ask real questions, get real answers. I’m just really disappointed at how things have turned out with my old friends, I just hope that when I get back on Christmas break, I wouldn’t have to worry about this anymore. Maybe I’m just dwelling on this too much. People always say that it’s just better to go with the flow at times. Is this one of those times?

“Life is about change – sometimes its painful, sometimes its wonderful, but most of the time its both.” – Lana Lang, from the television series “Smallville”

sugar rush and nick bantock

i'm not yet sleepy, took a nap this afternoon plus had loads of sweet stuff after dinner. i admit i'm overindulging. i'm really looking forward to spending time with my dad tomorrow, i hope i don't get disappointed. the pessimist side of me is showing, or maybe it's more of paranoia? i'm not really sure. i just don't like the feeling of expecting and feeling totally frustrated after. who doesn't? oh well, i hope things don't turn out too bad, let's shift to the brighter side of things. if everything were seen in that side, i think things would be a whole lot easier, a whole lot simpler.

i was hooked on the griffin and sabine saga earlier today, i spent the whole morning reading all six! nick bantock is a brilliant artist. the saga had a very unique concept, i loved the idea of having real postcards and letters stuck to the pages, its way of telling the story. a number of lines from those letters struck me, this being one of the many:
"To imagine that we understand the reason behind everything that transpires would be a misconception, but our viewpoint certainly gives a different perspective." - Sabine, from The Morning Star

i guess that thought alone is an answer to previous worry about expecting. it's all about perspective. now i feel a bit sleepy. here's one more to cap things off:
"...there are so few words for love. The term is forced to span such a large area of emotion..." - Isabella, from Alexandria

This photo was taken months ago, but i'd like to post it because it was one of the BEST days of my life, one of my most memorable birthdays ever. This particular photo captured only the first part of the surprise, a cover up according to my friends who really pulled it off pretty well. love ya guys!!! :D 

reality check

My eyes are sure to be strained from staring too long on the monitor, and yet I haven’t had time to blog. I wasn’t able to achieve my goal of writing everyday, I hope that won’t be the case anymore. There is so much I want to change, and I told myself I would actually get things started by July. Well actually it was Yda who gave me the idea. She said she’d give herself until the end of June to get herself into school mode, I was thinking it could work for me too. I hope it does.

My work still continues to surprise me everyday, making me realize how we all make things complicated when in truth they can be really simple. I’m sure it will just a little more time and I’ll get used to it. I got myself involved in another extra-curricular activity which seems to ask for much more responsibility compared to memcom. Paolo’s the head of the logistics team for ACP, and I took the position of being the head of one of it’s departments, venues and equipment, along with Ciara and Kynan. Pao said it was the hardest department but I’m sure we’ll manage. This time I really want to enjoy what I will be doing, not that I don’t enjoy memcom though. I can’t exactly figure out where the flaw is in our system, to be honest, I really don’t want to think about it anymore. Maybe I should just let it go and just do I what I have to, nothing personal. Do things really work better that way? I remember in Pol Sci class earlier today, it was mentioned that we are of a culture which is highly personal rather than rational. So maybe I’m just being too personal. I’ll try to loosen up.

Queena often brings up how we all seem much older now, and I am always amused when she begins to enumerate the reasons behind her observation. And when I think about all the different things that have been happening to us, there is a lot of truth to it. How we get busy (most of time too busy) with orgs, how we avoid the caf as much as possible, how we have all learned to commute at some point (cab included, kynan excluded), and the list goes on. Part of me feels happy with where I am now, with what I am doing, yet there’s always that longing to go back when things weren’t as hectic, as complex as they are now. That longing will always be there, we will always dream of going back even just for that short fraction in time when everything was just so peaceful. But I feel consoled when I look back I don’t feel any hint of regret at all. Well maybe I used to, when it came to c, but now, with full confidence, I can say I have put it all behind me.